You Can't Bully Yourself Happy.

Self compassion is incredibly important, so why does it still make me cringe a little? I think that’s probably part of the problem, the ingrained pattern or belief that I wasn’t worthy of it. Despite the cringe, it’s one of the things that’s helped me the most. I hope you can try it too.

Self compassion is not about avoiding accountability. It’s about acknowledging what’s yours, taking responsibility where it’s needed, and apologising when it feels right, while still allowing yourself forgiveness.

Accountability doesn’t have to mean abandoning yourself, or offering apologies where there isn’t safety or mutual respect.

We know that when we beat ourselves up, our nervous system can shut us down. We trigger fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, as our internal systems tell us we’re not safe. It’s the primitive brain versus the rational brain. Our brain still responds like it did in the time of sabre-toothed tigers, even when there’s no immediate physical danger.

When this happens, we lose a lot.

Our brains are designed to keep us safe, but in the 21st century, that’s often counterproductive.

We lose our creativity, our ability to make decisions, our capacity for joy. And the list doesn’t stop there.

Yet for so many of us, it’s the default.

This is why self compassion matters. Not becoming another threat to ourselves.

For years, it’s exactly what I did. But it depleted me. It caused me to lose sight of myself and try to make myself smaller, more palatable.

You cannot bully yourself happy.

Understandably, all that did was make everything worse.

When I started to forgive myself, for both the stupid mistakes and the big ones, when I gave myself compassion for hard times and the things I struggled with, when I became gentler with myself (and my inner child), things started to get better. I felt creative again. I stopped trying to be something I wasn’t. I stopped struggling with joy. I started to trust myself more.

And this isn’t a straight line. Some days are harder than others. This isn’t easy. It’s hard to rewire those neurological patterns that were laid down in childhood. It takes effort and a conscious decision to keep trying. But it’s much more rewarding than the alternative, belittling yourself, blaming yourself for everything, even things completely out of your control.

One of the benefits of self compassion is learning from mistakes.

By pausing and observing, feeling rather than reacting, it leaves space to reflect and make changes.

It interrupts the cycle of self-blame, spiral, shame. Repeat.

We can’t learn, adapt, and move forward if we’re stuck in shame.

Part of that learning for me has been living seasonally, slowing down in the winter months. I loved the book How to Winter by Kari Leibowitz. It explores how embracing winter, rather than resisting it, can support your wellbeing. Drawing on cultures that experience months of darkness and still find joy within them.

I slow down. I rest. I reflect. I know I have the privilege to do this. In this capitalist world, it’s not always easy or possible. But I do what I can, with compassion for myself and what I’m capable of day to day. Then when winter begins to ease and spring arrives, I feel that shift too.

If you’ve been blaming yourself for everything, beating yourself up for mistakes you’ve made, people you’ve hurt, crappy choices you’ve made, how about trying something different?

Consider this instead, accept the mistakes. Hold space for them, and for the version of you who made them. The wrong choices, the missed opportunities, the lives you didn’t live.

The things you wish you’d said, or wish you hadn’t.

The hurt you caused.

The smaller things too, the forgotten bins, the burnt dinners, the car scraped on that bloody bollard in the Lidl car park!

Let yourself actually feel it, without slipping into the shame spiral.

And forgive yourself.

Maybe you deserve that care and compassion, even if part of you doesn’t believe that yet.

I’m going to try to put together some really small resources to make a difference. I’m talking 5% better. Baby steps. But baby steps lead somewhere, and maybe that’s worth giving a try.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. I love writing, and I do it because I get so much joy from it. It’s not perfect, but it is always honest.

Josie